Your best developers deserve better than being thrown into the deep end.
"Congratulations, you're our new Tech Lead!"
Those words cost me irreplaceable moments of my daughter's first months.
I'll never get those moments back.
What started as a career advancement became my darkest chapter. It taught me why companies keep destroying their best developers by turning them into poor leaders.
The promotion ended my eleven-year relationship. But the deepest wound was missing those fleeting early moments with my baby.
It was 2019. Peak pandemic uncertainty. Mass layoffs swept the tech industry.
I was working as a Senior Web UI Developer at Globant. We provided contractors to leading businesses worldwide, primarily in the US.
Projects were shutting down left and right. I had a three-month-old daughter at home. When they offered me my first leadership role, I felt trapped.
The catch? Moving from an international client to a local healthcare provider. A step backward to move up.
The Self-Destruction Begins
I confined myself to our small guest room. The furthest corner of the house.
I tried to shield my family from the constant parade of Zoom calls.
No proper desk. No office setup. Just me, my laptop, and mounting anxiety in a space meant for occasional visitors.
Each morning at 8 AM, the meetings began. My self-imposed isolation deepened.
"In trying to protect my family from work disruptions, I ended up disconnecting from them entirely."
I couldn't let my team see my real state. Not my exhaustion. Not my doubts. Not the toll this was taking on me.
I was their leader now.
Each morning, I'd put on a brave face for the camera. Hiding the dark circles under my eyes. Forcing energy into my voice.
In my mind, showing any sign of weakness would undermine my position as their technical guide.
Sometimes my partner would bring food to my room. Her frustration was palpable. Justified.
She managed everything alone. Our baby. The household. Meals.
I sat in endless meetings, falling into the toxic trap of seeing childcare as "her responsibility" while I focused on "important work." Looking back, I'm ashamed of how I perpetuated these harmful gender roles.
"I had convinced myself that being a 'good provider' justified abandoning my responsibilities as an equal parent. I couldn't have been more wrong."
Her resentment grew with each plate delivered. I wasn't contributing to any family responsibilities, hiding behind work excuses that now feel hollow and rooted in outdated stereotypes.
Most days, I'd forget to eat until 6 PM. Then I'd scramble for whatever I could find. Adding more burden to an already overwhelmed household. A household where my partner was shouldering far more than her fair share.
"I was coding through the night to prove I was a good leader, while failing at the most important leadership task: enabling my team."
Sleep became a torturous cycle of guilt and anxiety.
Three hours of restless rest became my new normal. Lying awake. Hearing my partner handle our baby's night feedings alone.
When exhaustion won, my dreams were haunted. Project deadlines mixed with my partner's justified complaints. Our baby's cries echoed through it all.
I existed in a zombie-like state. Paralyzed between two fears: failing at work and failing my family.
Each night brought the same cruel choice. Sleep and feel guilty for not helping with our baby. Or stay awake and risk making critical mistakes at work.
"Fear of unemployment chained me to a path of self-destruction. The irony? I was destroying myself to keep a job I couldn't even enjoy."
The fear of unemployment kept me trapped in this destructive cycle.
My energy vanished completely. I wasn't living anymore. I merely existed in a perpetual survival state.
I kept sinking deeper into a destructive spiral.
This experience drove me away from leadership positions for almost two years.
The impact was devastating. But time brought understanding.
It wasn't the role itself that destroyed me. It was the toxic combination of leadership myths I had internalized.
"Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to clearly see the myths that are drowning you."
The Leadership Myths That Destroyed Me
Every morning, these toxic thoughts echoed in my mind:
"I must perform perfectly, or they'll evaluate me poorly"
"I need to have all the answers, or I'll look incompetent"
"If I show weakness, they'll take advantage of me"
"If I compromise on any point, it'll show my judgment isn't valid"
These thoughts became self-fulfilling prophecies:
1. "A Leader Must Do Everything Themselves"
- Coding until 3 AM instead of delegating
- Making decisions alone out of fear
- Building a team based on recommendations, not competence
- Accepting former teammates who had a big tech gap
- Coding their tickets in secret for the first sprints
- Committing directly to their branches when progress felt slow
- Taking over tasks instead of mentoring through challenges
2. "Leaders Must Know All The Answers"
- Frantically studying every technology stack
- Making rushed decisions based on quick searches
- Imposing views even in areas I barely understood
- Being afraid to say "I don't know"
- Interviewing for roles without expert support
- Lowering the technical bar out of desperation
3. "Leadership Means Total Availability"
- Accepting meetings from dawn till dusk
- Responding to every message instantly
- Putting work above basic needs
- Ignoring my family's needs
- Taking on other people's responsibilities
- Covering up team limitations instead of addressing them
4. "Showing Uncertainty Undermines Authority"
- Hiding my exhaustion in video calls
- Pretending to have everything under control
- Never admitting when overwhelmed
- Isolating myself to maintain an image
- Accepting recommended candidates without proper interviews
- Making hiring decisions alone to avoid exposing my knowledge gaps
- Micromanaging every aspect of development
- Obsessing over every line of code my team wrote
"My fear of appearing incompetent led to a self-fulfilling prophecy: building a team that needed constant rescuing."
The Escape
Surprisingly, from the outside, the project was going well.
But inside, I was crumbling.
By the fifth month, a stark realization hit me: if I continued like this, I wouldn't live to see my daughter grow up.
This wasn't an exaggeration. It was a moment of brutal clarity.
I wanted my daughter to have a living father more than I wanted to be a "successful" leader.
Quietly, I started searching through my company's talent pool. Not for another leadership role. I looked specifically for Senior Web UI Developer positions in US projects.
I needed calm. I needed peace. I needed to breathe.
Then came the news that felt like a lifeline: an opening at Autodesk. The perfect escape route.
My leaders understood when I spoke about the move. The Autodesk project carried enough weight to make the transition possible.
After a brief handover period, I could finally breathe again.
The damage to my relationship was already done. The traumatic repercussions would stay with me for years.
But I was alive. I could be present for my daughter again.
A Different Approach to Leadership
Today, I personally ensure potential tech leads receive proper training before promotion.
I work with our outstanding developers long before they step into leadership roles.
Why? Because I never want anyone to experience what I did.
Our best developers deserve real promotions. Transitions to leadership should feel like growth, not torture.
"Lead with calm. It's not just a motto, it's a promise to every developer stepping into leadership."
Key Leadership Lessons
Warning Signs of Toxic Leadership:
- Working nights to complete your team's tasks
- Feeling you must know everything
- Hiding exhaustion in meetings
- Sacrificing basic needs for "availability"
- Using work to escape family responsibilities
- Perpetuating harmful gender roles through work "priorities"
Growth Indicators of Healthy Leadership:
- Delegating work confidently
- Admitting when you don't know
- Setting clear boundaries
- Prioritizing your wellbeing
- Maintaining work-life balance
- Being an equal partner at home and a leader at work
Remember:
- Technical excellence doesn't equal leadership readiness
- Leadership is a skill that requires its own learning path
- Your health and family are non-negotiable metrics
- Leading calmly is more effective than leading heroically
- No career advancement justifies neglecting your role as an equal parent
- True leadership starts with breaking harmful traditional patterns
A Call to Action
To future tech leads: if you're feeling overwhelmed by a recent promotion, remember: it doesn't have to be a trial by fire.
You don't need to sacrifice your health, relationships, or peace of mind to be an effective leader.
Reach out. Let's discuss how you can transition while maintaining your balance and sanity.
To companies and tech leaders: your best developers deserve better than being thrown into the deep end.
I help organizations build sustainable leadership transition programs. We can prioritize both technical excellence and human wellbeing.
Together, we can create a path to leadership that doesn't require burning out your brightest talents.
Don't let another developer go through what I did.
Let's transform tech leadership into what it should be: a calm, supported journey of growth.
Ready to explore a different approach to tech leadership?
Connect with me to discuss how we can prepare your future leaders to thrive, not just survive.
Originally published on Medium.
